Seeking the Magis: December 2005

Jesus and the Jedi Knights.

Having recently spent two days in Wookieville (or whatever planet the wookie's are from) with a three year old that is chewbaca and a 16 month old that is already betrothed to R2-D2, I have discovered a new passion in life : starwars.

My family is full of starwars geeks, that brought their children home from the hospital and plopped down on the couch to give their newborns their first exposure to 'the real deal'. (lol.)

so yeah...Jesus is like THE PERFECT Jedi Master. I like him a lot. He's in tune with the force, cos he is the force. damn it. I want to be a Jedi. cos then i could move my hand around and look really really cool.

And yeah...satan? That would be Darth Sidius. Cos that evil little monger had everybody fooled by playing both sides. He is such a little weasel.

...haha yeah real spiritual stina.

My cousins kids are so cute. I have to say, that most of my friends are under the age of 6. Alexandra (Alex) is 16 months and is very very good at sign language. She cant talk yet, but she can sign things like cheese, please, thank you, egg, more, eat and a bunch of others. She is fascinating. She talks to me in signlanguage. Max is 3 and as previously stated is Chewbaca. He is also in love with pez dispensers. He went shopping and bought us all pez dispensers for christmas. It was the cutest frickin thing on the planet. Their parents are also very good friends to me that let me stay at their house, eat their food, and play with their kids. I love their family. kinda makes me want one. contrary to the advice i get from my whole family lol "you dont need a husband." haha i sure dont. but i might like to have one. (?)

I want to learn more sign language. cool.

Past lives revealed.

God is making fun of me. well...in that pushing me into this wierd spirituality that lacks grammar and punctuation marks sense.

Someone leaked (and I will find out who this cursed soul is) that I, in the days when things were concrete and absolute, was a decent pianist. I was in the pastor's office trying desperately to get this scooter someone wanted me to drive to Milw Rescue Mission, when he passive-agressively states "Well Christina...someone has told me something about you I'd like to confirm."

My head whipped around so fast I think I got whiplash. Obviously I was totally convicted on any number of issues that I deal with in my life, when he chuckles and says "Someone leaked that you can play the piano..." My brain laughed histerically because obvoiusly whoever said it does not know me that well, or they would have never said such a thing. See, I subbed piano in church in middle school/ early highschool about twice a year. It made me vomit. literally.

And then he said the words. "will you sub for us in evenings if Char is out of town?" for some reason I felt ok saying that I would. so I figured I oughta start practicing.

I grew up practicing on this really huge crappy piano in our living room that sounds like it came out of some western saloon from the 40s. So yesturday I crack open this dusty piano that hasnt been played in ages.

When we were younger, and subbed offeratories, it was always cool and rebellious to jazz up your hymns (from these ancient puritan hymnals the place was using...) into "arangements" which according to the various pastors we had were the collective expression of satan himself. It was liberating, and so I wrote some arrangements. One I even wrote out in one of those cool staff notebooks.So yeah two of those still exist in my muscle memory.

Playing them again was spiritual. and im not even kidding. The piano was something I always loved to hate. I hated the gramatical structure of it all. That was before I could feel freedom. (to a certain extent I will never know how to express this with words, but I have felt a glimpse freedom and it is real.) But now, I can play the piano all day, and not even know that one hour has passed. The gramatical structure is still there, and yet I dont have worry about that anymore...instead of me running after it like solomon after the wind, it dances accross the page making harmony with my finger tips. and I am HORRIBLE at it!

Yet there is something beautiful about the melodies of Grace coming from my hands. I know Ive said this before, but I think perhaps Grace is (maybe) the only thing we can really have.

Finished your book old friend- and though it will leave my hands for a while, i will treasure it. and read it many times. The chapter on Grace is AMAZING. I am fascinated by the concept of grace, and I have to say that the opening statement seemed like it had a little of me in it. lol "I was a fundamentalist christian once...I believed if word got out about Grace the whole church was going to turn into a brothel. I was a real jerk, I think." (Blue Like Jazz pp79). Geez, this guy should become a Jesuit and teach theology at marquette. Seriously I loved the book. and I needed it. Thank you so much.

Wow look at that. Christmas eve already, long posts seem to come easily at 1 AM. This not sleeping has so many charms. The biggest one being that when all those other selfish Christians like me are sleeping I can get a little of Jesus all to myself ;) (kidding! but seriously, cool people pray in the wee hours of the morning, ok maybe cool's not the word...crazy is probably a better fit.)

ironic humility.

Happy Birthday dear old friend!

P.S.
I locked my keys in the car at a gas station today. lol, good thing it was around the block from my house...

Wow.

By wisdom the Lord laid the earth's foundations
by understanding he set the heavens in place
by his knowledge the deeps were divided
and the clouds let drop the dew
~Proverbs 3:19-20

I am reminded. A little girl sang to me over the summer. She has since moved away, which has seen the onset of a profound sadness, and yet I can still hear her little voice.

"My God is bigger than I am
Stronger than all
He is able to make the summer
turn into fall
He controls all that happens
his power is plain to see
and I know I can trust him
for with his power he cares for me."

defining faith.

...she believed all things that were true were rational. But that isnt the case. Love for example is a true emotion, but it is not rational. I have been in love, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Light cannot be proved scientifically and yet we all believe in light and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that dont make any sense. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn't. He will make no more sense to me than I will make sense to an ant.
(Miller: 54)

I think its safe to say that the fundamental falacey of the universe is that things are supposed to make sense. I know for sure that I have been convinced that what makes sense, is true. Even now, when I talk, I always say "does that make sense?" as if what I had said would be untrue if it didnt make sense or even more frightening that I would change it if it didnt make sense. It seems like, that one of humanity's biggest problems is that we constantly try to change ourselves so that we make sense. Margaret Atwood, the classic "I AM NOT RANDOM!"

Reality is that deep down, nothing makes any sense, and really faith is what we use to construct our entire lives. Faith is what we use when we say "A hydorgen atom contains one electron, one neutron and one proton most of the time" and accept it as true. No matter how much proof we have, we still use faith to take the concept home, because no amount of proof is every really enough. You could argue that DNA evidence gets people out of jail more and more everyday, but even that doesnt really prove a person did or didnt commit a crime. (It may however prove that they may have been incredibly stupid.)

Faith is the final step, in taking evidence to fact. Faith is one of those prereqruisites of knowing something. If you do not have faith in it, then you cannot know it, much the same way that if you do not believe that some scientist in a lab isolated carbon 12 and developed the periodic table, then you cannot know chemistry. You can believe it, but you cannot ever know it. Faith is a commitment to find the truth in things that dont make sense.

It's easy to find the truth in things that make sense to you. Its easy to know that 2+2=4 and all that jazz, because ultimately humans made that stuff up. If I was Adam and I said 2+2=5 it would have been so because i would have been the first to make it up. But its difficult to know that part of God came down from heaven to subject themselves to the cruelty that is humanity because we as humanity, if we made up a God it would certainly not be selfless would it? I also tend to think that if we as humanity made up God, it would certainly not hold anyone accountable for their actions, cos' hey who wants to be wrong??

And even now I notice that my description of faith is completly inadequete and incomplete, I admit I dont know exactly what it is, but in honor of old assignments I'll add one more thing to my list:

9) I know I need faith, without it I do not exist.

confident and encouraged.

Today was absolutely amazing.

I was encouraged in so many ways. First off I didnt completely screw up the choir program, and from what i hear i actually did pretty good. I didnt know how the picking was going to go over, but apparently people liked it. my favorite quote of the night "No wonder why your teaching lessons!" *smile*

LOL my other favorite quote of the night
Directed towards the pianist Ive been playing with for the past 2 years ish.
"This is a committed relationship!" *giggle*

Today, I breathed God. God is so big and continues giving me pillows to land on.
I wondered off the path of Matthew into the realm of proverbs, and have gotten completely lost there. This image is amazing

Out in the open wisdom calls aloud
she raises her voice in the public square
on top of the wall she cries out
at the city gate she makes her speech:
"How long will you who are simple love your simple ways?
how long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?
Repent at my rebuke. Then I will pour out my thoughts to you,
I will make known to you my teachings." (Proverbs 1:20-23)

How powerful!? to watch wisdom call aloud to you in the busy marketplace of your life! It is evident that anyone with the fear of the Lord posesses wisdom to a certain degree, but that is only the begining. There must be certain times in our lives when wisdom is crying out to us from the top of the walls we built for ourselves, and here I am at such a crossroads where I can see the wisdom of my fellows gleaming through eyes of patient rebellion and reconcilliation. Although wisdom is one of those things you can never really get all of, it seems that there are certain parts of it that are to be ours, and the fear of the Lord is one of those.

Faith.

If you cannot accept faith, then it is impossible to find truth (of any sort).

Dont stop seeking the truth.

Find your heart and lose your mind.

Brittney is in the blue sweater. These girls are teaching her to dance. She tells me she will be 6 in a few days (dec 12).

Brittney is undoing all of my preconceptions of spirituality. She is teaching me that spirituality is more of a dance than a walk, and more humility than hand raising.

"God what are you thinking?" I say, "why do you let her trust me? love me?"
"I am so dangerous!" I say.

He replies:
"You fool, dont you know there is nothing you can do that I cannot undo?"
"Do not be afraid. If you mess up, I'll fix it. Just like always."
"I need you to learn to be trusted. we'll start with Brittney."

Come on, step out of time
Fall out of line
Leave a mark they can't erase.
Find your heart and lose your mind,
watch the journey unwind
and let itbe a new day. out of time.
(Matthew West, Out of Time)

Things Im in love with.

1)prayers at 3AM (I dont really sleep anymore)
2)Music (my guitar is getting so much use!)
3)pillow fights with my mother (Yes, this actually happened.)
4)my room is so clean it is theraputic.
5)Laughter on my answering machine.

These are my teachers.

8)I know these kids are cute.
There is so much to be learned about God from kids. There is a sparkle of Him in their eyes. Their faith is amazing, so simple. When I asked God to show me who He is I never expected answers this sweet.

my prayers.

Tonight I ran the length of the beach of my mind, screaming to the thunder,

WHO ARE YOU?

just because I can. and because I know He answers. add that one to the list.

sometimes asking the question prompts us to look for answers that are already there. questions are so important.

Things I know.

1)I have a black cat.
2) I have brown eyes. (stole that from you)
3)i have a conformity complex.
4)Christmas is celebrated december 25th.
5)My nose is big and german/polish.
6) GOD IS BIG.

The ride home is always interesting after spending time with Lindsey. lol. After long thinking (haha 20 minutes) I can say that I know God exists. This is dangerous but listen to my thinking. All throughout our conversation I talked about God being big. I never doubted it. God had to be big. "I just dont think God is so small" or some quote like that. If I know God is big, how can I not know that He is there? He is there and He is big. I am not lying to myself. (at least....i know this right now...i might not know it tomorrow, or in ten minutes, but now IT IS OK.) God is the air we breathe. I was reminded of this on my way home, and I know it because I have experienced it. When it was very hot in the summers of the little tiny non-airconditioned church of Northside calvary I would always sit by the open window in the back, (during a period when i was made to wear long flowy skirts) and I could feel God in the breeze and breathe Him. I breathe God. that is how I know He is. A God I can breathe, small? I DONT THINK SO.

now on to the conformity complex.

so the question is "what social group would you most identify yourself with?"

We all kinda know that its not the "evangelical" group. this group is very special and very committed, but I guess from where I sit they make God look small to me, and as previously mentioned I know God is big. Its not to say that theyve got completely wrong ideas, just that they arent my ideas.

We also established that it wasnt really GSA either. lol im gonna say this and you are going to laugh, but I feel far too normal lol. I love GSA at marquette, and plan on going back there next semester, but i dont completley identify with them because there is something that makes me different.

I could go through this and name every group that Ive ever belonged to. The conclusion that I have come to is that labels are what you make them, so Im going to label myself.

I hereby label myself a GRACE-TAKER. Grace-taker, pretty much means christian, but has no expectations except well...taking grace. Modern christianity is full of expectations and stereotypes (Im not conservative, not honest, not really humble, not generous etc.) BUT I am a grace-taker, and recently Ive learned I think, that grace is all we can really ever have as our own. haha we talked today about how each person has their own conception of God, well I agree. Therefore I make up my own denomination, and know that the probability that I am wrong about who God is and what He does is probably 100%.

what do you think of that? does this make sense? (as much as any of the things I say do...lol)

Old friends are the best friends.

Look what i found. Oh what a difference in a year and a half, but hey old friend- we're going places and learning so much. Its nice to have someone who has known you for a while, cos reflection is a place you can go with them. There'll be a lot of this to come I think. Come with me?

Welcome to your life.

Ive been waiting for a hero who is brave and strong
someone to love me and tell me that i belong
so i pretend im satisfied and I stand watchin on the sidelines
Till you pull me into the light and say "it's your turn now
Welcome to your life."

And you call me beautiful
and say you loved me all along
and youve always held the keys to unlock my soul
you call me beautiful.
(Ginney Owens -Call me beautiful)

Funny thing.... God just gets better and better. I find it ironic that He is surrounding me with the fluffiest pillows and blankets to land on when really He should be throwing rocks. well in any case, God- thanks for the pillows.

Life changing moments.

Before i knew the verses, the stories, all of it. Now I know nothing but Grace.

There is nothing more satisfying, and yet confusing, than that.

Music therapy.

It amazes me how I readily find comfort and encouragement in the songs and people of my past. There are many people that are returning to my life, and although they cannot see my scars (well aside from the nose)they have given me comfort and through them God has given me hope. Everything is changing fast, faster than I expected. My heart is changing every second.

True humility is what I want. Ive dealt with fake humility, on an extreme level that supressed pretty much any hope of confidence I ever had, but this is not real humility. Convincing myself that i am not good at anything is NOT humility. Humility is rooted in the recognition that we are good at something, or have something that somone else does not. Its what we do with that recognition that makes us humble. Its using that recognition to help other people, to give glory to God, and to NOT brag. If you think you arent good at anything, how can you do any of that?

Phil Joel is really after me.

He sees you down by the water line
Knows what your thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
when the tide starts rolling in he lets you know its gonna be ok
He sees you dancin in the moonlight
his arms around you hold you tight
and if those clouds should start to break
He'll be standin out in the rain with you
I know its hard to believe he believes in you

God is wathing over you as always
You are love whatever you go through
Hes right beside you
Gos is watching over you as always
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you better think again.

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
Nothing that is broken cannot be made new
he know s when you feel so far away
hes gonna keep the nightlight on
he's waiting there to recieve you.

Paradise Lost

For my english class i am reading the dreaded Paradise Lost by Milton. By first impression this book is horrible. it is written in a fashion that only those of the PhD world can understand or have the time to sit around and read the damn thing five times to get what he actually meant. Despite my utter hatred for the unantecedented (word check?) use of pronouns it seems the more work i put into figure out what this guy was actually after, the more i find it actually explains spirituality in a way that is absolutely EASY to understand in comparison to modern evangelical practice. I rarely find the books i read for english classes worth blogging about but this semester has exposed me to a surprisingly enlightening view of medival spirituality.

The first thing that strikes me about Milton, is his presentation of satan. Modern American christianity presents Satan as resigned to loss at the hands of the almighty God, and being so resigned targets individuals as his form of avenging his loss. This however is not the perspective Milton presents. The satan Milton presents does not admit that he will ultimately by defeated. Milton's satan views "God" as not the person of Almighty God, but as a position that he, or any of his fellow compatriots (such as Beelzebub, his arch-demon [?]) may rise to if only they can defeat god (emphasis on the little g). Satan even goes on to justify his loss with the arguments that god (small g) had better thunder, and was so much stronger, as if to say that if only satan could gain that advantage he might just as well be god (small g). Milton presents Satan as more of a 'hamlet" than "devil" as he is presented more as a brooding, babbling idiot that just doesnt get it than the pure EVIL of modern christianity. However this doesnt mean that milton doesnt present Satan as evil, just not the same kind of evil.

so heres my question for all of you evangelical spirituality types...is there any evidence that the modern view of satan is more accurate than the medival view that is supported by both Milton and Dante?

Perhaps the concept of Satan has evolved more as a conversion tactic than anything else. Perhaps Milton suggests that we really give Satan more credit than he is actually do, and in doing so actually partially are giving satan the worship the person of almighty God should be getting. Milton suggests that satan actually fell in a similar manner to man, saying that they were all formed free and just and right. They have to stay free because if not God would have to change their nature going against eternal decree. their nature given by God "ordained their freedom (III:128)" but "they themselves ordained their fall (III:129). Then Milton's perception of grace is then explained in line 130-132ish. He says "The first sort [satan and comrades] by their own suggestion fell, self-tempted, self-depraved: man falls decieved by the other first: man therefore shall find grace, the other none: in mercy and ustice bothe, through heav'n and earth, so shall my glory excel, but mercy first and last shall brightest shine.' Undoubtedly Jesus is the ultimate representation of God's mercy and he himself in a much similar statement says "I am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." Im sure there are other biblical supports for this but i thought the parrallel grammar here was interesting. also im blogging in public between classes and dont have a bible in my bag today, unfortunatly.

Looking beyond Milton's blantant abuse of the independant clause and unanticedented pronouns, he really presents a brilliant argument. if only he could become a jesuit and teach theology at marquette. Oh if only the paper topics for the class were this interesting. instead i must write a comparison of "A midsummer night's Dream" and "Romeo and Juliet," the sappiest romantic plays in the entire universe. If anyone in my adoring (?) public becomes a college english professor please do not assign wuss papers that i will get bad grades on because i am not an insufferable romantic.

Today

Today thus far has been most excellent.

Contributing Factors:

1) The parking attendent waved at me! This made me giggle.
2) Mistic Mint coffee drink from the Brew.
3) St. Joan of Arc is gorgeous in the snow at 7 45 AM.
4) I really really like celtic music.
5) I havent cried yet and dont plan on it.
6) my mommy loves me.
7) Sami might sleepover tonight. She is my friend. (also my cousin, but more importantly my friend.)
8) Being brave is fun. (ask if you care.)
9) Everything else i cant think of at this moment.
10) Oh yeah- my psyc TA is awesome. I will miss her telling us exactly what is on the test after next week. She is exactly what i need at 8AM on a friday.