Past lives revealed.
God is making fun of me. well...in that pushing me into this wierd spirituality that lacks grammar and punctuation marks sense.
Someone leaked (and I will find out who this cursed soul is) that I, in the days when things were concrete and absolute, was a decent pianist. I was in the pastor's office trying desperately to get this scooter someone wanted me to drive to Milw Rescue Mission, when he passive-agressively states "Well Christina...someone has told me something about you I'd like to confirm."
My head whipped around so fast I think I got whiplash. Obviously I was totally convicted on any number of issues that I deal with in my life, when he chuckles and says "Someone leaked that you can play the piano..." My brain laughed histerically because obvoiusly whoever said it does not know me that well, or they would have never said such a thing. See, I subbed piano in church in middle school/ early highschool about twice a year. It made me vomit. literally.
And then he said the words. "will you sub for us in evenings if Char is out of town?" for some reason I felt ok saying that I would. so I figured I oughta start practicing.
I grew up practicing on this really huge crappy piano in our living room that sounds like it came out of some western saloon from the 40s. So yesturday I crack open this dusty piano that hasnt been played in ages.
When we were younger, and subbed offeratories, it was always cool and rebellious to jazz up your hymns (from these ancient puritan hymnals the place was using...) into "arangements" which according to the various pastors we had were the collective expression of satan himself. It was liberating, and so I wrote some arrangements. One I even wrote out in one of those cool staff notebooks.So yeah two of those still exist in my muscle memory.
Playing them again was spiritual. and im not even kidding. The piano was something I always loved to hate. I hated the gramatical structure of it all. That was before I could feel freedom. (to a certain extent I will never know how to express this with words, but I have felt a glimpse freedom and it is real.) But now, I can play the piano all day, and not even know that one hour has passed. The gramatical structure is still there, and yet I dont have worry about that anymore...instead of me running after it like solomon after the wind, it dances accross the page making harmony with my finger tips. and I am HORRIBLE at it!
Yet there is something beautiful about the melodies of Grace coming from my hands. I know Ive said this before, but I think perhaps Grace is (maybe) the only thing we can really have.
Finished your book old friend- and though it will leave my hands for a while, i will treasure it. and read it many times. The chapter on Grace is AMAZING. I am fascinated by the concept of grace, and I have to say that the opening statement seemed like it had a little of me in it. lol "I was a fundamentalist christian once...I believed if word got out about Grace the whole church was going to turn into a brothel. I was a real jerk, I think." (Blue Like Jazz pp79). Geez, this guy should become a Jesuit and teach theology at marquette. Seriously I loved the book. and I needed it. Thank you so much.
Wow look at that. Christmas eve already, long posts seem to come easily at 1 AM. This not sleeping has so many charms. The biggest one being that when all those other selfish Christians like me are sleeping I can get a little of Jesus all to myself ;) (kidding! but seriously, cool people pray in the wee hours of the morning, ok maybe cool's not the word...crazy is probably a better fit.)
Someone leaked (and I will find out who this cursed soul is) that I, in the days when things were concrete and absolute, was a decent pianist. I was in the pastor's office trying desperately to get this scooter someone wanted me to drive to Milw Rescue Mission, when he passive-agressively states "Well Christina...someone has told me something about you I'd like to confirm."
My head whipped around so fast I think I got whiplash. Obviously I was totally convicted on any number of issues that I deal with in my life, when he chuckles and says "Someone leaked that you can play the piano..." My brain laughed histerically because obvoiusly whoever said it does not know me that well, or they would have never said such a thing. See, I subbed piano in church in middle school/ early highschool about twice a year. It made me vomit. literally.
And then he said the words. "will you sub for us in evenings if Char is out of town?" for some reason I felt ok saying that I would. so I figured I oughta start practicing.
I grew up practicing on this really huge crappy piano in our living room that sounds like it came out of some western saloon from the 40s. So yesturday I crack open this dusty piano that hasnt been played in ages.
When we were younger, and subbed offeratories, it was always cool and rebellious to jazz up your hymns (from these ancient puritan hymnals the place was using...) into "arangements" which according to the various pastors we had were the collective expression of satan himself. It was liberating, and so I wrote some arrangements. One I even wrote out in one of those cool staff notebooks.So yeah two of those still exist in my muscle memory.
Playing them again was spiritual. and im not even kidding. The piano was something I always loved to hate. I hated the gramatical structure of it all. That was before I could feel freedom. (to a certain extent I will never know how to express this with words, but I have felt a glimpse freedom and it is real.) But now, I can play the piano all day, and not even know that one hour has passed. The gramatical structure is still there, and yet I dont have worry about that anymore...instead of me running after it like solomon after the wind, it dances accross the page making harmony with my finger tips. and I am HORRIBLE at it!
Yet there is something beautiful about the melodies of Grace coming from my hands. I know Ive said this before, but I think perhaps Grace is (maybe) the only thing we can really have.
Finished your book old friend- and though it will leave my hands for a while, i will treasure it. and read it many times. The chapter on Grace is AMAZING. I am fascinated by the concept of grace, and I have to say that the opening statement seemed like it had a little of me in it. lol "I was a fundamentalist christian once...I believed if word got out about Grace the whole church was going to turn into a brothel. I was a real jerk, I think." (Blue Like Jazz pp79). Geez, this guy should become a Jesuit and teach theology at marquette. Seriously I loved the book. and I needed it. Thank you so much.
Wow look at that. Christmas eve already, long posts seem to come easily at 1 AM. This not sleeping has so many charms. The biggest one being that when all those other selfish Christians like me are sleeping I can get a little of Jesus all to myself ;) (kidding! but seriously, cool people pray in the wee hours of the morning, ok maybe cool's not the word...crazy is probably a better fit.)
posted by Stina | 1:15 AM
2 Comments:
Christina- have I told you lately that I love you? I too have been making my peace with God and bringing myself back under his rule. He is so gracious. Part of me is screaming while another part is finally free again.
Thank you for this blog- this is the Chrsitina I've always wanted to know. You are indeed beautiful.
speaking of bringing oneself beack under God's rule and screaming...haha I have stories to tell. Be careful what you pray for if you dont really want it to happen. Story for some coffee time.
but better advice is dont be careful because what you are asking for might just be what God is dying to do for you. (quite literally actually...if you want to interpret it that way ;)
Remind me and I will talk to you about this.
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